"You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest regions, and said to you, 'You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:9-10 My mom came in from Indiana to help us out with the Memorial plans. My sister in law also came drove a long way to help out. We couldn't walk anymore. We were worn, depressed, weary, crying etc etc. We needed the help and needed things to be taken care of. I thank God for them coming. My close friend Christina and Michelle made sure we were taken care of in ways I or Stephen hadn't thought of. We were so blessed. We are so loved. We could sense the presences of the Lord. We needed the Lord to carry us. We were unable to walk. The days were a haze and food, drink and rest were not of any concerned to us. Yet, food came, drink came and rest sort of came. God was there. His people were called upon and through His followers, He took care of us. Because I was so overwhelmed and devastated I begged my doctor to come in and deliver Julianna over the weekend. My mind was being invaded by the enemy and I was so sure I'd be going into labor at home and couldn't imagine the pain I'd be in. He allowed me to come in Sunday night. Saturday night I had to take some medicine to sleep and an antidepressant to shut those voices out. Sunday: Christina and Michelle came and cleaned my house. I couldn't do it myself. I could barley walk. I cried and scream...why God. I couldn't do this. I couldn't do what was going to happen next. Deliver a still...quiet....baby. Oh my heart just broke. I SCREAMED!!! "GOD, NOOOO....NOOO...LET THIS NOT BE TRUE.....WHY.....GOD WHY......LET THIS NOT BE TRUE........NOOOOO OH GOD WHY." I could have dealt with ANYTHING GOD, but not this!!!! I just begged and begged for God to take this cup. It was too much for me to bare. My heart physically ached. There was this heavy burden on me. I couldn't breath. My heart...just....ached... It still does. The darkness fell onto the sky and that dreadful Sunday night came. Sometime or somehow I ended up taking a shower and my sister in law fixed my hair. She fixed it so well it didn't mess up for a good while. I don't remember but I must have packed up what I was taking to the hospital. I tried to research what to bring to the hospital. But everything included what to bring for the baby. This was the sad part. Christiana had picked me up some items I needed and items I didn't know I needed. She spoke with a friend who went through the same and she told her to buy a bear for me to carry out of the hospital because my arms were going to feel so empty. I asked my pastor to come and pray with us before we went to the hospital. Him, his wife and some friends came. We prayed and the women talked with me on what to expect at the hospital. I was calm and probably in shock on what we were about to do. We all prayed our hearts out. Then as fast as they came they were gone. Now it was time to go. 9:30pm we were going to head there because we were being admitted at 10:00pm. Poor Winston and Lucy. My little doggie babies didn't know what was going on. They cried with us and just didn't know what was going on. As my husband grabbed my hospital bag I saw the look on our babies. They were not sure where we were going for the night. That was probably the first night they spent by themselves. My poor babies. We were suppose to have made this a different experience for them. Stephen was suppose to bring the baby blanket for them to stiff then bring in the baby. No.....we we're going to bring their baby sister. Instead she was going to be coming in a small gift bag in a small box with a death certificate. My babies didn't get their baby sister I have been telling them about for the past five months. I kissed them bye and turned away. I didn't want to see their sad little faces looking out the front door window. We got in my moms car and drove off. I was in shock. I felt like I was going to my death bed. Was this really happening?
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Lisa RowellJulianna Grace Ministry was founded by Lisa, who lost her first born, Julianna Grace, a precious little girl that was born still. Join our Julianna Grace Ministry's Facebook group page -
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October 2021
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