Its been almost a month since we've found out that we lost our baby girl. I feel like I'm falling and falling into a dark place. I want to crawl into this darkness and not get out. I don't want to see, breath, think or be. Steven Curtis Chapman's words taken right out of my mouth. I catch myself staring into nothing and wondering why. I've spent many hours looking at the ceiling, wall and space just thinking and trying to figure it all out.
Why am I alive? Why did he spare my life? Why didn't He just take me? I don't even want to be alive right now. Nothing seems important. Nothing seems to matter. I want to close my eyes and not wake up. Stephen just holds me and I cry. I'm weak, I'm tired and I can't seem to rest enough. I'm worn. I want out. I don't know why. I don't understand. The enemy is whispering in my ear constantly. End it Lisa...end it. You have no reason to live. Take a couple of pills and go to sleep and be with your daughter. Don't you want out? Tell him to leave. He keeps me up at night. He tells me I'll never be happy again. The pain is getting deeper and harder to deal with. The whispers gets louder and the lies keep coming. Nothing matters. I'm so sad. I want out. God, please just come and take me. I feel so alone. Its dark and I can't seem to get out. But wait....I know I'm not alone. "Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world." 1 Peter 5:9 The enemy is trying to confuse me. He goes around and around me attacking me. Please leave me alone. I have nothing to give. I cry out to God. Please fill me with your spirit. The enemy entices me to drink to let me drink my problems away. But there's no joy it it. There's nothing but pain and destruction that follows that lifestyle. The enemy still whispers in my ear, just this once drink and sleep. It will take the pain away for a little while. But I know it will not. God is the only great comforter. " Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ." There was a point in time when I walked into my bathroom and wanted to shave my head. I was just so sad I wanted to shave my head. I didn't want to mess with my hair anymore. I was becoming like Job. Job tore his clothes when his family died. He wanted to have died in his mothers womb. He was in pain and couldn't look forward to the blessings that God would give him. I asked God why had he allowed me to live. All the hell I have endured in this life...why...God....are you there? Why? I wanted to die.
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I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of secret places, That you may know that I, the Lord, Who call you by your name, Am the God of Israel.-Isaiah 45:3 Its hard to understand God's ways. In this time of grief how am I suppose to draw closer to you? In my human mind I feel that we have done "everything the right way." This should have not happened to us. I could have dealt with a child with disabilities but this....not this. My husband and coworker in tears helped me to the car. My husband drove home. I cried the whole way home and when I got home I screamed out to the God. Crying why...why God why? Are you trying to punish me? Why Lord why? I screamed at the top of my lungs. God I hope you can hear me. My heart physically hurt. My stomach in pain. I didn't understand. Why did this happen to us? My husband and I mourned and prepared for the days to come. We hardly ate or drank. I didn't sleep. I woke up crying all night. At some point I ran out of tears. We we're a wreak. I woke up in the middle of the night and begged my husband to let me go to the hospital and deliver our baby. I must have lost weight or was dehydrated because I felt her more than ever. I felt her hanging lower that she was. Maybe I was losing my mind. I just couldn't deal with the pain of not having her. Friday morning or Saturday I called a woman my coworker knew that went through the same as I had. I asked her what I should expect at the hospital and she went into detail. She cried and I cried. She told me to avoid the nursery area. She told me things I didn't want to hear but needed to. We spoke for a long time. I thank the Lord for her. I hated that she went through the same thing as we were about to go through but she was allowed to bless me through her tragedy. I spent most of Friday and Saturday looking at the walls trying to figure out how we were about to deliver our baby girl. A part of me wanted to go set up her bassinet. She needed somewhere to sleep. Wait....she's not coming home she's passed...this wasn't going to be a normal birth. She wasn't going to be crying when she was born. She was going to be still, quiet...nothing.... I felt like I was beginning to lose it. Seeing my husband grieve and blame himself was hard. Its amazing how a little baby can bring us both to our knees and make us realize who really was in control of our lives. We weren't. Are still not. We feel in love with someone who we haven't even met yet. Now she was gone, gone into Heaven. Gone to be with Jesus. One day I woke up crying and thanking God for her. For allowing me to carry her for this long. My husband said he'd never seen me so happy when we found out we were having a baby girl. I smiled from ear to ear. I had fallen in love all over again. Right there I get a text from my mom telling me to play the old rugged cross. I play it and right there I begin to sing and praise God. Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.” -Job 1:20-21 Yes, 9:45 is perfect. I have to wait for my coworker to get to work so we are covered. We are short a worker and I want to make sure I don't leave anyone hanging. My boss had a doctors appointment and wouldn't be back to work till after lunch. But I'm going to be right back and I'm not too worried. 9:30 I rush out of the bank and let everyone know that I'll be right back. I drive up and park. I park far away from the office. I'm pretty healthy and try to work out every chance I can. I didn't want to be one of those pregnant women who cry about everything and can't even walk a long distance. I prided myself on being semi healthy. As, I'm walking, this woman is smoking up a storm and I hurry up to pass her. I didn't want my baby to be breathing in such harmful chemicals. I break in to a speed walk and get inside the elevator. Somehow she reaches me and asks me how far along I am. I say five months and keep looking down. She says, "Yeah, I'm six months and cannot wait til this is over." Six months? Six months and you are smoking. What kind of mother are you? I get so upset when I see pregnant women totally neglecting their unborn babies. Do they realize the crap they are allowing their babies to eat, drink, or breath in? We get to the second floor and I dart out of the elevator. She yells out, "Is this your first one?" I say yes. Roll my eyes so upset with her. How could she hurt her child, how could she.... I get in sign in and sit. "Lisa Rowell," yells a nurse. I follow her into the sonogram room. I lay down on the table and she puts the cold gel on my stomach. I see the screen and my Julianna is still. I think to myself maybe this is a different time of scan. Usually, she is moving up a storm. I ask her, "Is she OK?," she just stands there with a straight face and i see her do some measurements. "Your doctor will be in soon to answer any of your questions." She walks out with a straight face. My heart starts to beat harder. Is my baby OK? Another nurse comes in, "Lisa how are you doing?" "OK, just wanted to double check to see if my baby is OK. Other than that I still have morning sickness, but its only in the morning." I say with my voice almost shaking. At this point I am completely worried. "Is she OK?" I ask. "Your doctor will be in soon." The nurse says. My doctor walks in with a concerned look. I think to myself, what ever it is he can fix it. I'm healthy... shes OK... "Lisa, this is not good," My doctor says. Whatever it is he can fix it... he can fix it. I look at him confused and ask him "What? I don't understand?" "Lisa, your baby has passed away." My doctor says. Immediately i get up crying, "What happened? What did I do? Wha... I don't understand..." I can almost hear my heart breaking. Why does this hurt so bad. What did i do to my baby. I must have done something wrong. The rest is a blur. My doctor sits in front of me telling me what will happen next. Reassures me that it wasn't my fault. Tells me to call him so we can schedule to deliver her. But most importantly he wants me to go home and grieve. He seems as upset as me and wishes my husband was here. He has a good heart. What terrible news to deliver to a mother. That her first child is no longer alive. I called my job and when my coworker answers she just hears my sobs. She sends another coworker to come sit with me. The nurse gets a hold of my husband and I somehow tell him in tears that our baby girl has passed away. I hear his voice crack and says oh no. I worry about his drive to my doctors office. "Please God protect him and keep him safe." I made myself get on Lexapro. My doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills and that antidepressant. I didn't want to be on medication but I also feel like I'm loosing my mind. I know Julianna Grace is in Heaven but it hurts so much. Today I have teared up a couple of times. My husband has done a good job at getting me out of the house. We went to James Avery yesterday and I got a cross necklace with Julianna's birthstone in the middle. Idiot me, i thought it would make me feel a bit better. No, not really. I'm a fool to think such things. I was not like Job. I did not worship God right after. But three days later I did.... "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28
Today is September 13, 2013 and i was doing OK until we were in the process of ordering Julianna's Urn. It's just wrong for us to be doing this... I don't know how to write this. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place. Just when I start to make sense of this, everything falls apart and I find myself with my head in my pillow, unable to control the tears and sobs coming out. I keep asking God why. Why do we have to go through this. Why us? We're not strong. We have fallen so far away from you. We lost sight of you. Why? Why us? I don't understand. This happens to bad people who do bad things. People who don't take care of their babies in the womb. I did everything right. I tried. Did I eat enough protein? Did I drink enough water? Did I work out too hard? Why God why? My heart just aches and aches. My milk has come in and I have to deal with this pain. This was suppose to be her milk. Now I'm left with empty arms and in pain. My arms ache to carry her to hold her to feed her. But I'm empty and my heart is torn and broken. I feel like shes been ripped away from me. There's no Julianna, there's nothing. I'm broken, empty and crying. The only earthly comfort left is my husbands physical touch. He finds me crying and just holds me. The sobs comes even more. I just cry and sob in his arms. I'm so thankful for him. He's so much stronger than me. I feel terrible. I'm so weak and weary. God please don't take my husband from me. I will die without him... Why God? Why us? I just went in to a short check up because I couldn't feel Julianna move. She did this the previous week and I thought she was playing a joke on me. See, on September 1, Julianna quit moving. She has been moving up a storm since she was 17 weeks. But that day she quit moving. I didn't worry since it was too early to track her movement. So i didn't worry. Everything I had read said not to worry. I was not suppose to track her movements till the 28th week. Plus, I was healthy and the doctor said I was a low risk pregnancy. I had nothing to worry about. On September 4th she began moving around 3 in the morning. I did feel relieve and i just rubbed my belly and smiled. No worries.... On September 8th she did it again. I figured she was tired because I cleaned the living room. I vacuum a lot because my dogs Winston and Lucy shed so much. I was tired and so was she. I took a bath that night and went to sleep. No worries...She was probably going to start moving again on Monday... Monday, no movement, but I was still not too worried. Tuesday, no movement, but the doctor said I was a low risk pregnancy. I start to worry but no too much. Wednesday, I start to worry when I get home from work. I get home and go straight to bed. I lay there for an hour and nothing. I get up get a cold glass of water. Drink it, put the TV on mute and wait..........nothing. My husband gets home and asks me whats wrong. I tell him and he tells me I'm sure shes OK. He's right, I'm healthy, I have a low risk pregnancy. I'll just go to the doctor in the morning. I lay there for about 4 hours waiting but hear nothing. Thursday, I wake up early and nothing. It's about 3 in the morning and I start to worry. I go back to bed. I get up again get ready for work and wait for the doctors office to open. I'm emotionally tired. I'll continue tomorrow. I know God has his hand in this. I know he's going to carry us through this. He already has. He carried us through the birth. I trust in the Lord....I trust in the Lord..... |
Lisa RowellJulianna Grace Ministry was founded by Lisa, who lost her first born, Julianna Grace, a precious little girl that was born still. Join our Julianna Grace Ministry's Facebook group page -
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