Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.” -Job 1:20-21 Yes, 9:45 is perfect. I have to wait for my coworker to get to work so we are covered. We are short a worker and I want to make sure I don't leave anyone hanging. My boss had a doctors appointment and wouldn't be back to work till after lunch. But I'm going to be right back and I'm not too worried. 9:30 I rush out of the bank and let everyone know that I'll be right back. I drive up and park. I park far away from the office. I'm pretty healthy and try to work out every chance I can. I didn't want to be one of those pregnant women who cry about everything and can't even walk a long distance. I prided myself on being semi healthy. As, I'm walking, this woman is smoking up a storm and I hurry up to pass her. I didn't want my baby to be breathing in such harmful chemicals. I break in to a speed walk and get inside the elevator. Somehow she reaches me and asks me how far along I am. I say five months and keep looking down. She says, "Yeah, I'm six months and cannot wait til this is over." Six months? Six months and you are smoking. What kind of mother are you? I get so upset when I see pregnant women totally neglecting their unborn babies. Do they realize the crap they are allowing their babies to eat, drink, or breath in? We get to the second floor and I dart out of the elevator. She yells out, "Is this your first one?" I say yes. Roll my eyes so upset with her. How could she hurt her child, how could she.... I get in sign in and sit. "Lisa Rowell," yells a nurse. I follow her into the sonogram room. I lay down on the table and she puts the cold gel on my stomach. I see the screen and my Julianna is still. I think to myself maybe this is a different time of scan. Usually, she is moving up a storm. I ask her, "Is she OK?," she just stands there with a straight face and i see her do some measurements. "Your doctor will be in soon to answer any of your questions." She walks out with a straight face. My heart starts to beat harder. Is my baby OK? Another nurse comes in, "Lisa how are you doing?" "OK, just wanted to double check to see if my baby is OK. Other than that I still have morning sickness, but its only in the morning." I say with my voice almost shaking. At this point I am completely worried. "Is she OK?" I ask. "Your doctor will be in soon." The nurse says. My doctor walks in with a concerned look. I think to myself, what ever it is he can fix it. I'm healthy... shes OK... "Lisa, this is not good," My doctor says. Whatever it is he can fix it... he can fix it. I look at him confused and ask him "What? I don't understand?" "Lisa, your baby has passed away." My doctor says. Immediately i get up crying, "What happened? What did I do? Wha... I don't understand..." I can almost hear my heart breaking. Why does this hurt so bad. What did i do to my baby. I must have done something wrong. The rest is a blur. My doctor sits in front of me telling me what will happen next. Reassures me that it wasn't my fault. Tells me to call him so we can schedule to deliver her. But most importantly he wants me to go home and grieve. He seems as upset as me and wishes my husband was here. He has a good heart. What terrible news to deliver to a mother. That her first child is no longer alive. I called my job and when my coworker answers she just hears my sobs. She sends another coworker to come sit with me. The nurse gets a hold of my husband and I somehow tell him in tears that our baby girl has passed away. I hear his voice crack and says oh no. I worry about his drive to my doctors office. "Please God protect him and keep him safe." I made myself get on Lexapro. My doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills and that antidepressant. I didn't want to be on medication but I also feel like I'm loosing my mind. I know Julianna Grace is in Heaven but it hurts so much. Today I have teared up a couple of times. My husband has done a good job at getting me out of the house. We went to James Avery yesterday and I got a cross necklace with Julianna's birthstone in the middle. Idiot me, i thought it would make me feel a bit better. No, not really. I'm a fool to think such things. I was not like Job. I did not worship God right after. But three days later I did....
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Lisa RowellJulianna Grace Ministry was founded by Lisa, who lost her first born, Julianna Grace, a precious little girl that was born still. Join our Julianna Grace Ministry's Facebook group page -
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