I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of secret places, That you may know that I, the Lord, Who call you by your name, Am the God of Israel.-Isaiah 45:3 Its hard to understand God's ways. In this time of grief how am I suppose to draw closer to you? In my human mind I feel that we have done "everything the right way." This should have not happened to us. I could have dealt with a child with disabilities but this....not this. My husband and coworker in tears helped me to the car. My husband drove home. I cried the whole way home and when I got home I screamed out to the God. Crying why...why God why? Are you trying to punish me? Why Lord why? I screamed at the top of my lungs. God I hope you can hear me. My heart physically hurt. My stomach in pain. I didn't understand. Why did this happen to us? My husband and I mourned and prepared for the days to come. We hardly ate or drank. I didn't sleep. I woke up crying all night. At some point I ran out of tears. We we're a wreak. I woke up in the middle of the night and begged my husband to let me go to the hospital and deliver our baby. I must have lost weight or was dehydrated because I felt her more than ever. I felt her hanging lower that she was. Maybe I was losing my mind. I just couldn't deal with the pain of not having her. Friday morning or Saturday I called a woman my coworker knew that went through the same as I had. I asked her what I should expect at the hospital and she went into detail. She cried and I cried. She told me to avoid the nursery area. She told me things I didn't want to hear but needed to. We spoke for a long time. I thank the Lord for her. I hated that she went through the same thing as we were about to go through but she was allowed to bless me through her tragedy. I spent most of Friday and Saturday looking at the walls trying to figure out how we were about to deliver our baby girl. A part of me wanted to go set up her bassinet. She needed somewhere to sleep. Wait....she's not coming home she's passed...this wasn't going to be a normal birth. She wasn't going to be crying when she was born. She was going to be still, quiet...nothing.... I felt like I was beginning to lose it. Seeing my husband grieve and blame himself was hard. Its amazing how a little baby can bring us both to our knees and make us realize who really was in control of our lives. We weren't. Are still not. We feel in love with someone who we haven't even met yet. Now she was gone, gone into Heaven. Gone to be with Jesus. One day I woke up crying and thanking God for her. For allowing me to carry her for this long. My husband said he'd never seen me so happy when we found out we were having a baby girl. I smiled from ear to ear. I had fallen in love all over again. Right there I get a text from my mom telling me to play the old rugged cross. I play it and right there I begin to sing and praise God.
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Lisa RowellJulianna Grace Ministry was founded by Lisa, who lost her first born, Julianna Grace, a precious little girl that was born still. Join our Julianna Grace Ministry's Facebook group page -
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