September 29th, 2013

Its been almost a month since we've found out that we lost our baby girl. I feel like I'm falling and falling into a dark place. I want to crawl into this darkness and not get out. I don't want to see, breath, think or be. Steven Curtis Chapman's words taken right out of my mouth. I catch myself staring into nothing and wondering why. I've spent many hours looking at the ceiling, wall and space just thinking and trying to figure it all out.

Why am I alive? Why did he spare my life? Why didn't He just take me? I don't even want to be alive right now. Nothing seems important. Nothing seems to matter. I want to close my eyes and not wake up.
Stephen just holds me and I cry. I'm weak, I'm tired and I can't seem to rest enough. I'm worn. I want out. I don't know why. I don't understand.

The enemy is whispering in my ear constantly. End it Lisa...end it. You have no reason to live. Take a couple of pills and go to sleep and be with your daughter. Don't you want out? Tell him to leave. He keeps me up at night. He tells me I'll never be happy again. The pain is getting deeper and harder to deal with. The whispers gets louder and the lies keep coming. Nothing matters. I'm so sad. I want out.

God, please just come and take me. I feel so alone. Its dark and I can't seem to get out. But wait....I know I'm not alone. "Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world." 1 Peter 5:9 The enemy is trying to confuse me. He goes around and around me attacking me. Please leave me alone. I have nothing to give. I cry out to God. Please fill me with your spirit.

The enemy entices me to drink to let me drink my problems away. But there's no joy it it. There's nothing but pain and destruction that follows that lifestyle. The enemy still whispers in my ear, just this once drink and sleep. It will take the pain away for a little while. But I know it will not. God is the only great comforter. " Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ."

There was a point in time when I walked into my bathroom and wanted to shave my head. I was just so sad I wanted to shave my head. I didn't want to mess with my hair anymore. I was becoming like Job. Job tore his clothes when his family died. He wanted to have died in his mothers womb. He was in pain and couldn't look forward to the blessings that God would give him. I asked God why had he allowed me to live. 

All the hell I have endured in this life...why...God....are you there? Why? I wanted to die.