"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28
Today is September 13, 2013 and i was doing OK until we were in the process of ordering Julianna's Urn. It's just wrong for us to be doing this... I don't know how to write this. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place. Just when I start to make sense of this, everything falls apart and I find myself with my head in my pillow, unable to control the tears and sobs coming out. I keep asking God why. Why do we have to go through this. Why us? We're not strong. We have fallen so far away from you. We lost sight of you. Why? Why us? I don't understand. This happens to bad people who do bad things. People who don't take care of their babies in the womb. I did everything right. I tried. Did I eat enough protein? Did I drink enough water? Did I work out too hard? Why God why? My heart just aches and aches. My milk has come in and I have to deal with this pain. This was suppose to be her milk. Now I'm left with empty arms and in pain. My arms ache to carry her to hold her to feed her. But I'm empty and my heart is torn and broken. I feel like shes been ripped away from me. There's no Julianna, there's nothing. I'm broken, empty and crying. The only earthly comfort left is my husbands physical touch. He finds me crying and just holds me. The sobs comes even more. I just cry and sob in his arms. I'm so thankful for him. He's so much stronger than me. I feel terrible. I'm so weak and weary. God please don't take my husband from me. I will die without him... Why God? Why us? I just went in to a short check up because I couldn't feel Julianna move. She did this the previous week and I thought she was playing a joke on me. See, on September 1, Julianna quit moving. She has been moving up a storm since she was 17 weeks. But that day she quit moving. I didn't worry since it was too early to track her movement. So i didn't worry. Everything I had read said not to worry. I was not suppose to track her movements till the 28th week. Plus, I was healthy and the doctor said I was a low risk pregnancy. I had nothing to worry about. On September 4th she began moving around 3 in the morning. I did feel relieve and i just rubbed my belly and smiled. No worries.... On September 8th she did it again. I figured she was tired because I cleaned the living room. I vacuum a lot because my dogs Winston and Lucy shed so much. I was tired and so was she. I took a bath that night and went to sleep. No worries...She was probably going to start moving again on Monday... Monday, no movement, but I was still not too worried. Tuesday, no movement, but the doctor said I was a low risk pregnancy. I start to worry but no too much. Wednesday, I start to worry when I get home from work. I get home and go straight to bed. I lay there for an hour and nothing. I get up get a cold glass of water. Drink it, put the TV on mute and wait..........nothing. My husband gets home and asks me whats wrong. I tell him and he tells me I'm sure shes OK. He's right, I'm healthy, I have a low risk pregnancy. I'll just go to the doctor in the morning. I lay there for about 4 hours waiting but hear nothing. Thursday, I wake up early and nothing. It's about 3 in the morning and I start to worry. I go back to bed. I get up again get ready for work and wait for the doctors office to open. I'm emotionally tired. I'll continue tomorrow. I know God has his hand in this. I know he's going to carry us through this. He already has. He carried us through the birth. I trust in the Lord....I trust in the Lord.....
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Lisa RowellJulianna Grace Ministry was founded by Lisa, who lost her first born, Julianna Grace, a precious little girl that was born still. Join our Julianna Grace Ministry's Facebook group page -
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