Dr. Jeremy Sutton with Servant PT Podcast did a wonderful podcast about the ministries God has entrusted me to. I was beyond blessed and felt so privileged to share my story and hopefully was able to show the grace God has given me throughout the past 5 years.
Please listen to it! I pray you are encouraged! Seeing the Rainbow by Jeremy Sutton He is a physical therapist who serve the community in Vivian Louisiana.
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I do believe the bible is true to its core. I believe it’s a double edge sword that cuts to the truth of our heart. So I can only speak from this view point. I don’t know what it is not to believe in the Hope to come, the Hope that Jesus died for. The scriptures say that when Jesus went to the cross, He had joy in His heart because he knew the other side; He knew that death wasn’t the end. I can go on and on about this verse. [Hebrews 12:2 NKJV] looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of [our] faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. I want to talk about faith of Heaven. I try to include a booklet of Heaven in every basket. Randy Alcorn has done an amazing job reaffirming that Heaven is real. So I do recommend you buy his book Heaven. However, I want to talk about the faith of two men, Abraham and David. Abraham. We all know the story about Abraham taking Isaac to the mountain to sacrifice him. We know this was a test and God provided a ram at the last minute. I want to talk about Abraham’s faith. He was asked to leave the place he knew in Genesis chapter 12. He picked up and left. God promised here that his descendants would be many. God continues to remind him in chapter 13 and 15 about his many descendants he will have. Then Abraham took matters into his own hands in chapter 16 and he has Ishmael. (Even though this wasn’t Gods plan, God doesn’t go back on His word and blesses Abraham through Ishmael with many descendants.) Even though Abraham isn’t perfect and he lacked some faith, he still had enough faith to obey God on the mountain. He still believed that God would provide descendants. Year by year Abraham’s faith grew and he held on the promise. He had set it apart in his heart that if Isaac died that day God was going to do something miraculous. Maybe God would raise him back to life? Maybe God would provide him with another son? He probably believed he’s see his son in Heaven too? I think we see this story as an event that never took place. We don’t have enough faith to it. However, friends, it happened. Abraham was real and he did exactly what scripture says happened. I’m sure this grieved his heart but Abraham knew God would take care of him. God NEVER failed in his promises. To Abraham this wasn’t the end. David I can go on and on about this man. He was lust for women caused him some great heart ache. I want to talk about his son. When David heard that his son would not live (2 Samuel 12) he grieved. Like us we grieved hard the second we knew of our babies deaths. I believe David grieved like we did before lost his son. Because he knew his son’s death before he grieved backwards. However after his son passed he got up, cleaned up and praised God. Crazy? I think so. However I think he was up to something here. He like Abraham had an amazing faith. He praised God. He set it in his heart that his son was in Heaven already. He already knew it. In fact when his servant ask him what the heck was going on, David said he’s gone. Why shall I fast now? I can call to my son but he’s not coming back. David might have known the promise of Heaven. David might have known the glorious place that awakes us. He probably knew that his son has set foot and knew the joy of Heaven and no way he’d want to come back to earth. Plus I don’t think David wanted to take that away from his son. I like meditating on these two great men. Their faith astonishes me. I do not have faith like they do. However, my faith and hopefully your faith is being perfected (1 john 4:17). His love is perfecting us. That includes my faith along with my fleshly desires. This also included that grief early on. I followed these men and began to worship God soon after my loss. I didn’t know but as I placed my hands high in worship at church the peace of God came over me. The spirited comforted me. My faith grew. Yes my tears didn’t and haven’t completely gone away, but my faith grew. Friends, I know you hurt. I know you grieve. I know no one knows how much you screamed; cried and yelled that day you lost your baby. Trust me I know. I remember screaming and screaming. My heart aches for you. Don’t stay there. Put worship music on even if you don’t feel like it. Mediate on these men. They were not perfect but God kept His promises. He will make beauty for this mess if you allow him. Jesus came to bring freedom. The enemy wants you to believe this is the end for your baby. It’s not! It’s the beginning for him/her. Raise your hands. Hold on for dear life to His promises. Dive deep into scripture. I have a link on my resource page, Blue Letter Bible and God Questions. Before you dwell or believe the lies the enemy is whispering to you go to these sites and search what the scripture says. This coming year challenge yourself. Ask Him to increase your faith. In Luke 17 the disciples ask for more faith and Jesus explains the faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. I believe if you just have faith as small as that God can accomplish great things in you. This coming year set it apart in your heart what God says is true. Little faith can accomplish great things; but great faith can accomplish even greater things. What matters most is what our faith is in, the object of our faith. “The eye cannot see itself. Did you ever see your own eye? In a mirror you may have done so, but that was only a reflection of it. And you may, in like manner, see the evidence of your faith, but you cannot look at the faith itself. Faith looks away to itself to the object of faith, even to Christ.” (Spurgeon) Love you friends I received a bittersweet text from a friend and I have to share it with you. However, I need to start from the beginning... On October 8, 2015, I was asking for different donations to add to a basket I was sending out. My friend contacted me and asked if she could buy a bear for the basket. I would not have thought about adding bears to the basket. This was an appointed time God had set aside for her. God was going to use her testimony for healing. I have know this friend for maybe 3 years but never knew she also lost a baby. She said when she lost her baby she struggled grieving because she "wasn't that far along." This is a lie from the enemy friends. The bible calls these fiery darts. (Ephesians 6:16) If the enemy puts lies like this into your mind and you dwell on this, it is a fiery dart. No matter how far along you are in your pregnancy, you have the right to grieve because you lost a real live baby. My friend bought her self a bear to help her grieve the loss of her baby. There's something about holding a bear, or in my case a pillow, to grieve and cry into. Her loss was 20 year ago and she remembered the impact of having that bear to hold onto. I had faith that God would use this somehow. We have included bears in many of our baskets and every so often I get a message from the recipients of the baskets thanking us for everything in the basket. So yes God can use even this to help those who lose babies. So my friend sent this text to me... "I'm cleaning out a closet and find "the bear." I thought one of my children had accidentally donated it along with other things a while back. I'm so thankful and thought you would understand. It's been 23 years ago that I had my loss and I still broke out crying last month out of no where. Anyways, today I have a fresh hug from God. " Wow, 23 years later her heart remembers her baby. God has shown her how her her pain can comfort others. Remember, He doesn't waste our pain. He comforts us so we can comfort others. Ultimately, He allows our testimony to be shared in hopes that future moms and families will look to Christ for comfort. I'm blessed to have this beautiful woman as a friend. I'm thankful she allowed her story to come out the way it did. I'm not sure where this ministry would be without her touch. He works all things for His good. Let me tell you His goodness is beautiful... As Easter is coming I wanted to go through the week Jesus had before He was brutally crucified. Easter isn’t something I just celebrate with eggs. It’s now a more meaningful truth that happened that saved me. So I am right now in Luke 20. I want to bring you to verse 17. It hit me as I was reading Jon Courson’s commentary. (Jon Courson explains the scriptures to me so I know their meaning)
In the verses before 17 he is trying to tell everyone that yes you’ve rejected every man coming to help you out and now you’re going to crucify me. He uses parables, usually getting to the heart of the issues. He quotes Psalm 118:22, “The stone which the builders rejected, Has become the chief cornerstone.” So apparently there was a temple being built by the instruction of King Solomon. As they were bring the stones to the area where they were building the cast a stone away they thought had no use. Later they realized that was the stone they needed for completion. It was a major piece needed for completion, one that would help the temple stand. What Jesus is saying is that HE is that cornerstone. In vs 18 it says, “Whoever falls on that stone will be broken; but on whomever it falls, it will grind him to powder.” You’d rather be broken on Christ, as He is the healer and can put you back upon your feet. Or you can be forever devastated and never up walking in freedom. As I was reading Jesus spoke clearly about grieving. I think I’ve said this enough but this just hit me like a ton of rocks or stones. Lol. But if we do this grieving journey without Him, it’s pointless. We will be grieving forever. Apart from our Savior we will never be saved from the grief and the attacks of the enemy. We will be crushed under the heaviness of grief. We will be pressed and grind down to powder. Jesus is our chief cornerstone. He is the stone that we need to hold us up. He is the stone that will keep all of ourselves from falling. Let’s fall on the stone so we can be broken. So He can mend us. I promise He’s gentle. If you’ve lost a child your already broken. Allow Him to heal you, he will bend down and listen to you, he will hear your cry, He will bring you up out of a horrible pit and out of the miry clay and set your feet upon a rock, and he will establish your steps, Psalms 40:1-3 Don’t cast Him away. Break on top not under this heaviness. I have learned without Him all pain is cured for a season. But it always came back. I finally realized in this scripture that without the cornerstone Jesus Christ, nothing will stand. Let Him mend your heart once and for all. Yes it will take some time but allow Him and you’ll be able to stand with Joy in your hearts one day. God bless friends. "Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying.There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.” And He said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts. He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son. But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.” -Revelations 21:1-5 Once we arrived at the hospital I was certain I was going to die there. Or at least a part of me was going to die there. I remember getting there in tears, shock and terror. I was going to deliver my dead baby. This was not right. No parent should be doing this. No parent. This isn't right. I vaguely remember being strolled into the delivery room. I just remember the ache. The pain that accompanied my shock. I remember my husband staring into my eyes telling me. "Lisa, We are going to do this Together." Then sometime after that I was in my hospital gown. Sometime once my IV was put in, this overwhelming peace came upon me. I swore I was on a high dosage of Xanax. But no, turned out to be this overwhelming peace. The Holy Spirit had descended on me and I was a total peace. I was so loopy, laughing, telling jokes, playing pranks on the nurses. The nurses prepped me for induction. They put a monitor on me and I was already having contractions. I didn't feel them. During this time no tears came. I was at peace. But I do I remember I was getting cold and colder.... Monday I don't remember much about the days. I must have been given some kind of medication because I was knocked out for about 8+ hours. I remember every time I opened my eyes my husband was there. He never left my side but once or twice. I also remember being so cold. I was having a fever that just kept on rising. Some time during the day my doctor decided to take me off of everything and we would start Tuesday morning. I was upset and wondering why this baby wasn't coming. A doctor came in to give me a brief idea of what an epidural would be like. This just scared me and I didn't want it at all. We were so early in our pregnancy that we hadn't really discussed how we we're going to deliver our baby. But I knew I wanted a doula to help me out. At another point my mother asked me if I was ready for her to come. I didn't realize but I hadn't had that conversation with God. My husband took me to the shower and I finally told him I was ready. Soon after I started having really bad cramps. I would get up a couple of times to go to the bathroom and just being in pain. Ten something came around and I got up one last time to use the restroom. I remember being aggravated and every time my husband would ask me..."Lisa are you ok? You keep falling asleep on the toilet." "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I'M FINE!!!" But this last time we saw blood and my husband pulled the emergency cord and the nurses came. We walked back to the bed and all of a sudden I feel this terrible urge to...well... this is TMI, but oh well. :) I feel like I need to have a bowl movement. The nurse came back into the room and told me I couldn't get back up. I was so scared and embarrassed and thought I'd make a mess. I told my husband to get a bed pan and as he handed it to me, my water broke. That was about 10:15. During this time before my water broke I was in terrible pain. But in retrospect I realize I was in Labor. I've had endometriosis pain for such a long time that the pain I felt was the same as my cramps. Right after my water broke my pain was gone. Then peace fell upon me. No tears. Just that Julianna Grace was already in Heaven. This was just her physical parts. She was in Heaven and God would make her new again. She was happy and waiting for us to be with her one day. It was finished and Jesus had and has paid the price for her soul. No fighting over her. Satan had no control. I could almost see it in the Spiritual realm. The angels fighting and protecting me from his lies and trickery. But no, again Jesus showed up and the Holy Spirit filled the room. NO pain, No crying, total and utter peace within me. Jesus kept his PROMISE and He will do this again. As my water broke I felt a sudden urge to push. Because she was so small I didn't push much. She came out so quiet and asleep. She already had risen in the arms of Christ over a week before. So now she was just asleep. The nurse slowly caught her as she came out and she asked me if I wanted to see her. I told her no to clean her up first. I grabbed my husbands hand. He said I smiled at him. I could see his love, his heart torn and shattered, but we still have each other. Once I was cleaned up they handed her to me. She was so tiny, fragile and her tiny little frail body was already deteriorating. The words couldn't and didn't come out of my mouth. But they came out of my husbands. "She's beautiful!" My heart fell. 11 1/2 inches long and 1lb and 5oz. Her looks confirmed what the sonogram looked like. She was going to look like her daddy. Her tiny eyebrows protruded. :) She had dark brown tiny hair like me. She had ten fingers and ten toesies. She had beautiful skin like her mama. She was BEAUTIFUL! Created out of Love and went straight into the arms of God. What a life. This kept on ringing in my mind.....She's already in Jesus arms. They took her out of the room. I looked at my husband and I didn't realize how much I loved him until I saw his heart break over and over again. He loved and still loves his little baby girl. We just held each other. But no tears came out of me. Jesus had His arms wrapped around my heart. I was still at peace. He has paid the price I couldn't pay and my baby girl couldn't pay. He would make her new. He will make me new. He has prepared a place for Julianna Grace. He will also prepare a place for me. For my husband and for those who believe in Him. He wiped my tears and took my pain that night. I don't know how and I don't know why. But I believe He will do that again for me. God loves me sooooo much that He sent His precious Son to die so I could Live. So you could live. So my baby could live. I BELIEVE THAT I WILL SEE HER and most importantly I WILL SEE JESUS!!! "You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest regions, and said to you, 'You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:9-10 My mom came in from Indiana to help us out with the Memorial plans. My sister in law also came drove a long way to help out. We couldn't walk anymore. We were worn, depressed, weary, crying etc etc. We needed the help and needed things to be taken care of. I thank God for them coming. My close friend Christina and Michelle made sure we were taken care of in ways I or Stephen hadn't thought of. We were so blessed. We are so loved. We could sense the presences of the Lord. We needed the Lord to carry us. We were unable to walk. The days were a haze and food, drink and rest were not of any concerned to us. Yet, food came, drink came and rest sort of came. God was there. His people were called upon and through His followers, He took care of us. Because I was so overwhelmed and devastated I begged my doctor to come in and deliver Julianna over the weekend. My mind was being invaded by the enemy and I was so sure I'd be going into labor at home and couldn't imagine the pain I'd be in. He allowed me to come in Sunday night. Saturday night I had to take some medicine to sleep and an antidepressant to shut those voices out. Sunday: Christina and Michelle came and cleaned my house. I couldn't do it myself. I could barley walk. I cried and scream...why God. I couldn't do this. I couldn't do what was going to happen next. Deliver a still...quiet....baby. Oh my heart just broke. I SCREAMED!!! "GOD, NOOOO....NOOO...LET THIS NOT BE TRUE.....WHY.....GOD WHY......LET THIS NOT BE TRUE........NOOOOO OH GOD WHY." I could have dealt with ANYTHING GOD, but not this!!!! I just begged and begged for God to take this cup. It was too much for me to bare. My heart physically ached. There was this heavy burden on me. I couldn't breath. My heart...just....ached... It still does. The darkness fell onto the sky and that dreadful Sunday night came. Sometime or somehow I ended up taking a shower and my sister in law fixed my hair. She fixed it so well it didn't mess up for a good while. I don't remember but I must have packed up what I was taking to the hospital. I tried to research what to bring to the hospital. But everything included what to bring for the baby. This was the sad part. Christiana had picked me up some items I needed and items I didn't know I needed. She spoke with a friend who went through the same and she told her to buy a bear for me to carry out of the hospital because my arms were going to feel so empty. I asked my pastor to come and pray with us before we went to the hospital. Him, his wife and some friends came. We prayed and the women talked with me on what to expect at the hospital. I was calm and probably in shock on what we were about to do. We all prayed our hearts out. Then as fast as they came they were gone. Now it was time to go. 9:30pm we were going to head there because we were being admitted at 10:00pm. Poor Winston and Lucy. My little doggie babies didn't know what was going on. They cried with us and just didn't know what was going on. As my husband grabbed my hospital bag I saw the look on our babies. They were not sure where we were going for the night. That was probably the first night they spent by themselves. My poor babies. We were suppose to have made this a different experience for them. Stephen was suppose to bring the baby blanket for them to stiff then bring in the baby. No.....we we're going to bring their baby sister. Instead she was going to be coming in a small gift bag in a small box with a death certificate. My babies didn't get their baby sister I have been telling them about for the past five months. I kissed them bye and turned away. I didn't want to see their sad little faces looking out the front door window. We got in my moms car and drove off. I was in shock. I felt like I was going to my death bed. Was this really happening? Its been almost a month since we've found out that we lost our baby girl. I feel like I'm falling and falling into a dark place. I want to crawl into this darkness and not get out. I don't want to see, breath, think or be. Steven Curtis Chapman's words taken right out of my mouth. I catch myself staring into nothing and wondering why. I've spent many hours looking at the ceiling, wall and space just thinking and trying to figure it all out.
Why am I alive? Why did he spare my life? Why didn't He just take me? I don't even want to be alive right now. Nothing seems important. Nothing seems to matter. I want to close my eyes and not wake up. Stephen just holds me and I cry. I'm weak, I'm tired and I can't seem to rest enough. I'm worn. I want out. I don't know why. I don't understand. The enemy is whispering in my ear constantly. End it Lisa...end it. You have no reason to live. Take a couple of pills and go to sleep and be with your daughter. Don't you want out? Tell him to leave. He keeps me up at night. He tells me I'll never be happy again. The pain is getting deeper and harder to deal with. The whispers gets louder and the lies keep coming. Nothing matters. I'm so sad. I want out. God, please just come and take me. I feel so alone. Its dark and I can't seem to get out. But wait....I know I'm not alone. "Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world." 1 Peter 5:9 The enemy is trying to confuse me. He goes around and around me attacking me. Please leave me alone. I have nothing to give. I cry out to God. Please fill me with your spirit. The enemy entices me to drink to let me drink my problems away. But there's no joy it it. There's nothing but pain and destruction that follows that lifestyle. The enemy still whispers in my ear, just this once drink and sleep. It will take the pain away for a little while. But I know it will not. God is the only great comforter. " Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ." There was a point in time when I walked into my bathroom and wanted to shave my head. I was just so sad I wanted to shave my head. I didn't want to mess with my hair anymore. I was becoming like Job. Job tore his clothes when his family died. He wanted to have died in his mothers womb. He was in pain and couldn't look forward to the blessings that God would give him. I asked God why had he allowed me to live. All the hell I have endured in this life...why...God....are you there? Why? I wanted to die. |
Lisa RowellJulianna Grace Ministry was founded by Lisa, who lost her first born, Julianna Grace, a precious little girl that was born still. Join our Julianna Grace Ministry's Facebook group page -
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